Tuesday, December 13, 2005


2. Batman & Robin

I’ve heard people defend “Batman and Robin” by calling it an attempt at a pure realization of a comic book on the screen, a claim which caused the comic to reply “Whoa, hey, do not mention my name, I want no part of this.” Even so, the movies “Casper” and “Richie Rich” were also based on comic books, and dumber comic books, and John Larroquette was in one, and they weren’t half as inexcusable as the fourth Batman film (more like Joel P-U-Macher, am I right?) For starters, the movie opens with Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) stealing a diamond by having goons in skates slap the diamond around with hockey sticks instead of just grabbing it, and suddenly, there's a tidal wave and Batman & Robin are surfing on disc things. The movie’s two villains are respectively motivated by possibly the two greatest overreactions in cinematic history; Mr. Freeze’s wife is suffering from a mysterious disease so he vows to freeze the entire world, while the half-plant Poison Ivy—who comes to be when a shelf of neon chemicals with dry ice in them falls on her—decides she wants to clear the earth for plants by killing ALL LIVING ANIMALS. Ivy’s only power is pink dust that makes people jealous about loving her (this ain’t exactly Thanos these heroes are going up against), but she does employ the freakish Bane (David Boston) to aid her grassroots campaign against all life. How bad is the dialogue? Bear in mind, The Simpsons used “Ice to see you” as an exaggeratedly bad Schwarzenegger one-liner three years before this movie actually made Arnold say “Chill out,” “Cool off,” “The iceman cometh!” “You’re not sending me to the cooler!” and the topper, “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!”, a delicious combination of shitty writing and ecological speculation. I won’t ramble on any further, except to mention that Arnold does freeze the entire city then gets defeated and the city’s instantly fine, but I will tell you what you already knew: this movie’s plot has more holes than a porcupine’s leotard. Yes, I’m running out of these.


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