ALL-TIME TOP FIVE MOVIES WITH THE MOST PLOTHOLES
Though its special effects may be special in the same way the Special Olympics are special, 1997’s “Anaconda” has enough script problems to make a snake vomit its prey and consume it again, which is something snakes actually do (this fact displayed on screen is the first thing that occurs in the movie). Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson, and a host of superb imdb links comprise a cast of documentary filmmakers who are shooting a film about the native peoples of Snake, a country in Southerner Centrally America. Along the way, they pick up veteran of being grizzled Shades McBackstabb (Jon Voight) from the town of Vagueaccent—birthplace of Ariana Huffington—who calmly imparts onto the crew his wisdom that everything they do near the river will kill them, and also a bunch of giant neon snakes live there. Like all species of animals (i.e., Jaws, the bear from “The Edge,” Bunnicula, etc.) these anacondas constantly attack everything, eating not for sustenance but because they are consciously evil, in addition to being the fakest goddamn things this side of ED-209. Almost every line in this movie is treacherously funny, from the part where a wasp gets stuck Eric Stoltz's snorkel to the part where Wilson betrays the group and decides to hunt anacondas to rake in them big anaconda-huntin’ bucks. To borrow a classic hip hop phrase, my Andaconda don’t want none unless you got plotholes, Hon, and this plot's got more holes than a Tommy-gunned piece of Swiss cheese.