Sunday, December 04, 2005

ALL-TIME TOP FIVE MOVIES WITH THE MOST PLOTHOLES

4. Demolition Man

“Demolition Man” provides a gripping glimpse into a dystopian future (that word means “retarded,” right?) where a government made up of one old cleric dude has created a perfect society where guns, swearing, and meat have been outlawed. Shockingly, some people are upset by these rules (in the year 2032, so the world’s going to change and get used to that change in 25 years) and now live underground and are led by Dennis Leary, who doesn’t so much lead them as complain about how difficult it is to order in a Starbucks. Enter John Spartan (Sly Stallone)—is he based on John the Savage from “Brave New World,” you literate movie makers?—whose crass 1990s customs baffle the people of the future, much as people nowadays have absolutely no idea what occurred in the 1970s. Stallone is brought in to battle Simon Phoenix (Blade), a killer from the past hired by cleric dude to kill the revolutionary Leary, cause he smokes and doesn’t care who cares that he smokes! Cleric-o didn’t think too far ahead, cause Phoenix kills him, and Stallone and Sandra Bullock—whose character is named Lenina Huxley, a combination of a character from and the author of “Brave New World”… look at you, you do know books exist!!!—track him to a museum where they each acquire dozens of loaded, ready-to-fire guns in the “Steal Guns From the Past” exhibit. Cleric later invites Stallone to dinner at Taco Bell, which (I’m not making this up) is the ONLY restaurant in the future; lots of movies have product shots, this one’s a fucking product A-bomb. Stallone wins by freezing Snipes, kicking his head off, and quipping “heads up!” even though they’re the only two people in the room and Snipes is frozen, but that's the least of the anyone’s concerns. My biggest concern, however, is that unlike futuristic flops like “Timecop” and the more obscure “XChange,” “Demolition Man” doesn’t have the decency to throw you some nude scenes to distract you from the fact that its plot has more holes than a kitchen sponge receiving acupuncture.

2 Comments:

At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Jap Rob said...

Yeah but you're forgetting....Demolition Man ruled! They get fines for swearing and sing commercial jingles and other stuff! I have it on VHS, you can borrow it. HEADS UP!

 
At 12:17 PM, Anonymous muebles madrid said...

So, I don't actually suppose it will have effect.

 

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