Tuesday, November 29, 2005

QUICK THING ABOUT BEING TIRED

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I was busy with Thanksgiving and family and the subsequent updating of my other, Thanksgiving-themed blog, www.morelikeskanksgiving.blogspot.com.

A couple days ago, I had one of those things happen to me where I woke up early in the morning and was really tired and started coming to weird conclusions for no reason. I know I'm not the only one this happens to, right? Well, at 7 am on this particular morning, lying in bed, I was believing that Eagles wide receiver Reggie Brown was somehow responsible for me not being able to completely wake up. Why him, how he was doing it, and how I arrived at that conclusion I still have no idea, but I remember thinking about it later that day and having absolutely no explanation for my having thought this, other than just being really tired and thinking about things for no reason.

This doesn't happen to me often. The most recent occurrence had been about six weeks ago when I woke up at 5 am and couldn't fall back asleep, so I started thinking about things and somehow concluded in my head that Billy Crystal's one-man show "700 Sundays" was probably pretty good.

That's a quality blog article. If you were waiting eight days for that, I appreciate your devotion to our site, and I hope the hype was warranted. This post has already been nominated for a Pulitzer and for several Nobel prizes (Literature & Physics).

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

PUN WITH PUNS: ALEX RODRIGUEZ BEATS OUT DAVID ORTIZ TO WIN AL MVP
What will the New York Post headline be?

A-Rod A-God? A-dept A-Rod Wins MVP

Rodriguez Gets A-Nod From MVP Voters

Hey Rod, You're The MVP!

A-Rod MVP: Most Valuable Pinstriper

MVP Voters Spit Out Papi-Seeds

Yankee Doodle Dandy!

Papi Goes The A-Rod! (He Won MVP)

Boston Tea Party, Not MVP Party

Red Sox Fans Get A David Or-cock-tiz

Rodriguez Takes Bite of Big Apple And Says "MmmmmmmVP"

Get "Hitch"ed! Will Smith Sizzles In Romantic Comedy; A-Rod Sizzles On Diamond

A-Rod Roddy, Come On Down! You're The Next Contestant On MVP!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Where are they WOW!
Christine Lakin Edition

This week's edition takes us again back to the early '90s. I was barely 7 and like everybody from my generation, I watched TGIF on Friday. Alongside Dinosaurs (definitely will be the subject of a future post), I faithfully watched Step By Step. A major incentive for doing this was the fact that Suzanne Sommers was smoking and that Staci Keenan was also hot and had a shore house down the street from me.

The show lasted seven seasons and as I grew up, so did the Lamberts. Specifically, the youngest Lambert daughter Al, played by Christine Lakin. Al was a tomboy. She was very much her father's daughter. Al's early years came in a male dominated single parent household. Frank was a great dad but let's be honest, he knew a lot more about the history of the Green Bay Packers than he did about raising a little girl. But the Lamberts eventually Brady Bunched with the Fosters and Al was introduced to a strong female presence and, in turn, became really fucking hot.

Don't believe me? Maybe you will now. Not only is she really hot, but she also still likes to put her hand on her hip!

Christine, now 26 graduated from UCLA and could recently be seen in Reefer Madness. Shes also been nicknamed Lil LaKim. I have no idea why. But I do know that we can all look forward to 2006 when Christine stars in The Cutting Edge 2! She'll be starring alongside Christy Carlson Romano (who will be the subject of a Where Are They WOW! in approximately 8 years).






Remember hockey players, figure skates have a toe pick!














Lakin managed to not become a linebacker like Danielle Fishel

















She is actually in the NFL

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

OVERRATED / UNDERRATED

Some things in life are rated better than they should be and some are not rated as well as they should be and it makes me angry and I want to change that!

OVERRATED SENSE: Smell

Do we really need smell? What are we, dogs? Or cats? Or a puppy with a kitten on its back that are both cute and can both smell better than us? As usual, some scienceman probably just threw "smell" on the list to make it a round five for those fatcats in Washington, even though it clearly doesn't belong with the other senses. Maybe his daughter was five or something. But think about it, if "The Miracle Worker" was about a girl who couldn't smell but learned to speak and move, who would have cared? Not me, that's who. But in real life that girl was a hero.

UNDERRATED SENSE: Touch


Sight and hearing are all gumdrops and candy, but could you imagine not being able to feel anything? And not like Haley Joel Osment not being able to feel love, I mean like being unable to really feel like real things? You'd have to, like, keep looking down to make sure you weren't standing in fire! And forget sex, you couldn't feel it. You wouldn't enjoy it anyway, cause you'd keep having to look down to make sure you weren't having sex on a bunch of fire. That would suck! You wouldn't feel the pain though. But you'd still burn, it's not like you're not invincible! I mean come on!


OVERRATED RACISM: That Air Force coach saying that black players run well

I mean come on! What is this, a totalitarnation state like that book by George Orwell about the numbers? The coach just said that black players are fast! He wasn't like "I don't think black players should vote," or like, "Black players I don't like them," or like "Black players AREN'T fast!" He complimented an entire race and if anything it's high time those fatcats in Washington apologize to him! This country needs more truth tellers and less truth sellers, and in my book the Air Force should promote him.


UNDERRATED RACISM: "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers"


The Black ranger was a black guy and the Yellow ranger was an Asian woman! How'd they get away with that?? This was in the 1990s, not the 1950s, when blackface on television was mandatory (watch the old Dick Van Dykes). I'm surprised the Red ranger didn't have a tomahawk with a secret compartment that held whiskey and smallpox! And the Pink ranger was probably Irish, which is kind of how Irish people are! I'll bet they only had a Blue ranger because the writer thought that Smurfs are real and he was being racist towards them too! I mean come on!


OVERRATED FUNNY OBSCURE PRESIDENT: William Henry Harrison

I'm an American, and to me, some things in life are not funny. A president dying is one of them. Another one was the Dust Bowl. People think it's funny that William Henry Harrison died within a month of taking office because he insisted on having a victory parade even though it was raining and he caught pneumonia and died from it. What if your mother had a parade and it was raining and the president was in it and got pneumonia and died? Then you'd see what it's like up close, and I'll bet you wouldn't be laughing. Plus it would be the 1700s so you'd be dressed all wrong and you'd probably die of embarrassment, then what if the president laughed at you?

UNDERRATED FUNNY OBSCURE PRESIDENT: Zachary Taylor

Now we're talking. Who the hell was this dude? The only thing I know about alleged "president" Zachary Taylor was that he was in a coloring book I used to own that had all the presidents in it and he was next to a horse. I never even colored him in, cause my crayons weren't boring enough (except "Burnt Umber"). Was he the president who put the horse on the senate, or was that Millard Fillmore? It's like, "Hey, I freed the slaves," "yo, I like won this war and everything," "how bout you, Zachary?" "Me? Oh, I stood next to this horse once." How did he get elected?? Millard Fillmore, too. What are we, stupid? I mean come on!

Monday, November 07, 2005

COACH FIRED-O-METER
The world's most fired people and their % chance of getting canned in the next four months

Norv Turner, Oakland Raiders: 100%
Suggested Headlines for when he's fired: "Job With High Turner-over Rate", "Raiders To Get Back To Norm-al", "To Everything There Is A Coaching Change, Turn, Turn, Turn"


Rick Adelman, Sacramento Kings: 100%
Headlines: "Rick Bad-elman", "Rick No Longer The Adel-man", "Rick's Family Soon To Be Sad-elman When Their Income Stops"



Mike Martz, St. Louis Rams: 100%
Headlines: "St. Louis Partz With Their Coach", "Mike Will Fartz On His Running Backs No Longer", "Martz Heart's Hurting, But Rams Fans' Hearts Aren't"



Jim Haslett, New Orleans Saints: 100%
Headlines: "Jim No Longer Hasl-it (His Job)", "Jim Has-Let The Saints Down For The Last Time", "New Orleans Takes Care Of Birdlike Hassle-it"



Mike Kitchen, St. Louis Blues: 100%

Headlines: "Blues Redecorate Their Kitchen", "Kitchen's Singing The Blues, But Thankfully No Longer Coaching Them", "Blues To Hire Either John Bathroom Or Steve Breakfast Nook"


Dom Capers, Houston Texans: 110%

Headlines: "Smart Houston; Dumb Capers Gone", "Dom To Embark On Great Job Search Caper", "Pop Open The Dom, Capers Finally Fired!"



Mike Sherman, Green Bay Packers: 9990% (went down 10% after Favre announced he might retire if Sherman is fired)
Headlines: "Sure, Man, Your Job Is Safe", "Brrrr, Man, You Look Cold, How Bout We Fire You?", "Mike Will Need A Chirpa-Man To Climb Mt. Notfired"


Mike Tice, Minnesota Vikings: 1,000,000,000,000%
Headlines: "Tice Iced", "Vikings Fire Fat Piece Of Shit Mike Tice", "Mike Tice, You Are An Absolute Embarrassment And I Can't Believe You Lasted This Long You Fat Piece Of Shit"

Saturday, November 05, 2005

"SAW II" REVELATION (SPOILER ALERT!!!)

Don't want to rain on anyone's haven't-seen-the-movie parade, but there's a huge surprise at the end of the "Saw" sequel:

The killer from the "Saw" movies...













...is the mascot for the Jack-in-the-Box fast food chain.



Apparently, he's killing people because he's angry that Sonic is cutting into the market of fast food places that advertise but don't actually exist, a market that ol' Jack (Saw) used to have cornered. If you haven't seen the sequel, I'm sorry to spoil it for you, but the good guys defeat the killer twenty minutes in and the final hour-fifteen of the film is them driving around unable to find a Sonic. The movie then ends with the killer's chilling laughter fading into the credits while a Type O Negative cover of "I Saw Her Standing There" plays (and they scream the word "saw" every time it comes up).

Bet you never SAW that one coming.

Friday, November 04, 2005

WEEK EIGHT NFL DRUNKPIX

Kevin broke the bank (literally, somehow) with his picks this week, posting a Muhammad-Ali-esque 11-3 mark, despite making the picks at 5 am Saturday night and falling asleep halfway through while still fully clothed and sober. Dan was two behind with an Ali-with-Parkinson’s-esque 9-5 because of the losses by Kansas City and Detroit, overlooking those two iron rules of gambling: 1) KC off a win, San Diego off a loss, so there was a bounceback factor for the Chargers, and 2) Jeff Garcia is absolutely and unquestionably a homosexual. We don’t mean that as a term of derogatory ignorance, just that it’s very clear that he is actually gay. How that got to be an iron rule of betting, we’ll have to look up, but gamblers have been aware of it since the time of Seabiscuit. The horse, not the movie. And not the food either, which came out just weeks after the horse.

WEEK EIGHT RESULTS:
KEVIN: 11-3
Mike Golic: 11-3 [also the height Golic would have to be for his weight to be normal]
Merrill Hoge: 10-4
Chris Mortensen: 10-4
DAN: 9-5
Sean Salisbury: 9-5
Eric Allen: 9-5
Ron Jaworski: 8-6 [even Jaws didn’t take the Eagles, Kev & Dan both did :-( ]

AFTER EIGHT WEEKS:

Salisbury: 78-38
Hoge: 72-44
Mortensen: 72-44
Golic: 72-44
DAN: 70-46
KEVIN: 68-48
Jaworski: 67-49
Allen: 62-54

This race is as tight as the NFC North! And one and a half times as exciting!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

THE WORLD SERIES IS RANDOM AND STUPID

Sorry we haven't posted in a while, we've been too busy lately to find time to tell you what is stupid about sports and music and music used in sports, so I figured I'd weigh in with my two cents on this year's stupid World Series and why it was so stupid.


Baseball, unlike the other three major sports, doesn't actually have playoffs. That is to say, teams don't battle head-to-head to see who's superior with a clear victor emerging. In baseball, eight teams make the playoffs, and one of them just randomly fucking wins. That's it. The level of play in baseball's postseason is barely elevated, it's just games 163-179 on the schedule with one fewer pitcher in the rotation and an occassional starting pitcher coming out of the bullpen. It's not the NHL playoffs, where teams get twice as physical, and it's not like the NBA playoffs, where crowds explode and home court advantage becomes a life-or-death situation, it's just a couple more baseball games.

Everyone knows this, even if they don't admit it. When the Pistons beat the Lakers in the '04 finals, they just plain crushed the Lakers. When Anaheim and Calgary made it to the Stanley Cup Finals in subsequent years, it was because they played phenominal team games and never let up. When the Bucs won the Superbowl, their defense brutalized the rest of the league. But when teams like the Angels, Marlins, and White Sox win the World Series, the world goes "How bout that, that's random." Because they're not playoffs. It's just shit happening and one team happens to win.

Tom Brady, Robert Horry, Patrick Roy? Clutch, clutch and clutch. But when Geoff Blum homers? "What the fuck? How the fuck did that happen?" It's totally random, that's how it happened. I know what you're thinking, aren't Derek Jeter and Rivera and David Ortiz clutch? No. Stuff just happens in baseball's postseason, and it just happened to happen more for those guys than for the Braves the last nine years, players never actually accomplish anything. If you doubt me, I dare you to go back in time and sit through one of those Sox / Astros games in its entirety and find evidence that it's an actual competition and not just events in some order. I, on the other hand, will spend my time watching things where stuff actually happens, like football games, NHL overtimes, and reruns of "What's Happenin'".