CONCERT REVIEW - Q and Not U - Wu Hu!

Last week, Kevin and I made our way out to the Knitting Factory in Tribeca to check out the band Q and not U on their final tour before their announced breakup. Apparently, they have been unable to withstand the incessant media attention that has come with earning a 7.5 on Pitchfork, and I don't blame them; in the indie community, once your record sales hit that sixth figure (known as "going denim") there are fewer people around who can be berated for not having heard of you and thus, your hipster value dries up. This is no reflection on Q and not U's three increasingly pleasant albums, the most recent coming in 2004, and certainly not on their live performances, which Kevin and I were delighted to find are even more be-U-tiful than their records.

The opening band, Super System, was a synth trio in the vein of The Rapture in which every song vaguely resembled The Rapture. That's probably just out of a process of elimination, because only about five synth songs have ever been recorded and they weren't playing "I Just Can't Get Enough" or anything by Kraftwerk named after a somewhat modern appliance. They were an extremely dance-friendly band, but the crowd was in no mood to dance, save the obligatory "I'm hot enough to get away with it" girls sprinkled throughout the pack. I enjoyed Super System, particularly their last couple songs in which the singer on the right kept going wild and screaming his lyrics while his bandmates just sang regularly, leaving us to wonder what the song was about and why it pissed off the guy on the right so much. Turns out, he was ok, and they left the stage to comfortable applause.

Q and Not U came on shortly after for their second show of that evening. The band consisted of two front men and one drummer. The guy on the left, I assume, was Q. I'm not sure what the guy on the right's name was, but I do know what it wasn't. They sprinted right into their first two songs with a pace that was part "let's dance" and part "high schoolers go crazy and mosh," and I'll be damned if the crowd didn't choose the latter. I can't relay all the details of the set, for I kept having people thrown into me while I was trying to nerdily compile info for this review on my adding machine (I was wearing one of those green accountant visors too.) The highlight song, other than their opening one-two punch sturdy enough to knock out Don Flamenco, was their rendition of the second track off "No Kill No Beep Beep" preceded by a synthesizer ditty that closely resembled "Bad to the Bone." The song itself, however, was good to the bone.

My favorite part of the evening was when a twentysomething hipster in a hunting cap and flannel button-down shirt leaped into the middle of an erupting fray and the song ended seconds later, leaving him standing there looking to fight, and he sort of just collected himself and sheepishly returned to the back of the crowd. Part of me wanted to rush outside, purchase a turntable, and run back in just in time to pull the record off the needle in order to hammer his awkwardness home, but I'll leave that for when they make a movie out of this situation. The band wasn't overly theatrical; whereas Iggy Pop may have smeared himself with peanut butter and rolled around on broken glass, most indie bands' idea of a dangerous stunt is setting a water bottle on top of an expensive synthesizer...WHICH THEY DID! Actually, they were quite interactive with the crowd. When someone yelled "what will it take for you to not break up?" the singer responded, "I don't know, a time machine? Maybe if we'd all been born earlier? That's about it." Take that, loyal concert-attending fan!

I won't be broken up when the band members go off on their separate ways, but I won't be happy either. Q is planning to form a tribute band to the Star Trek character of the same name, and his first single "Surprised to See Me, Picard?" should hit the FM airwaves by December. The other singer is starting a band called, simply "Not U," where the band's only gimmick is that whoever is onstage is not you. His album "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ" should be in stores by February '06. Yeah, the breakup will be hard on all of us, but at least we can take solace in the fact that Q and Not U was on the record label "Dischord," giving this whole situation the aroma of delicious irony that the indie-rock community tresures so deeply.

WEEK THREE DRUNKPIX

Decent week for us with the picks. Though we made our picks independently of one another, we only differed on two games; for the second straight week, Kevin's faith in the Saints was tested, as their ability to warm the nation's hearts continued to exceed their ability to put a defense on the field. Dan picked Green Bay for the third straight week, thinking for the third time, each in increasing loudness, "they can't be that bad!" We also both had Arizona upsetting Seattle, because we agree that Seattle is inconsistent and overrated, but it turns out, Arizona is accurately rated and that rating is "shitty." Regardless, we both pulled out 9-5 weeks, so we're keeping pace with the ESPN bigwigs (their wigs are big).

Sean Salisbury: 30-15
Merrill Hoge: 28-17
DAN: 27-19
Ron Jaworski: 25-20
Marcus Allen: 23-22
Chris Mortensen: 23-22
Mike Golic: 22-23
KEVIN: 22-24

(Everyone on ESPN has one fewer pick than the number of games played. I don't know why, I thought we were the comedy makers!!!)

NFL WEEK 2 HEADLINES

Everything's Lovie in ChiTown – Lovie Smith and the Bears are thinking playoffs after knocking off the Lions to shake up the NFC North

Bengals Would Like Some Fresh Ground Culpepper – The Bengals intercepted the Vikings’ QB five times en route to their second-straight blowout victory

Anthony Wrong as Baltimore’s Offense Balti-Less – The Ravens mustered only ten points in their embarrassing road loss to the Titans

Not Enough Leftwich In the Tank – The Jaguars’ fourth quarter comeback came up short as they fell in Indianapolis, 10-3

McNabb Makes All the Right Reids – The Eagles QB threw for 342 yards in the Eagles’ runaway victory over the 49ers

Cadillac Hits Buffalo – Carnell “Cadillac” Williams rushed for 129 yards in Tampa Bay’s convincing 19-3 victory over the Bills

Belichick Out Those Panthers! – The Panthers got some revenge for Superbowl XXXVIII by defeating the Patriots 27-17

Parker Does Mess With Texans – Rookie Willie Parker rushed for 111 yards in the Steelers’ 27-7 rout of the Texans

Dennis Green With Envy as Cardinals Lose Again – Former Ram Kurt Warner and the Cardinals have stumbled to an 0-2 start after losing at home to St. Louis, 17-12

Caw Caw! Hawks Beak Falcons in Battle of the Birds – The Seahawks avoided an 0-2 start by upsetting Atlanta, 21-18, in Seattle

Schot Through the Heart and the Broncos are to Blame – A Jason Elam field goal in the final five seconds gave Denver a victory and dropped Marty Schottenheimer and the Chargers to 0-2

Romeo Kills Packers Instead of Self; Earns First Victory – Romeo Crennel won his first NFL game as a head coach as the Browns beat the Packers in Green Bay

Dolphins Dive, Jets Soar – The Jets made up for their Week 1 debacle by handing Nick Saban his first loss as Miami’s head coach

Oakland's Black Hole Devoid of Victories – The Raiders lost to the Chiefs at home, 23-17, and fell to 0-2

Giants Don't Coughlin Up Another Lead – New York led from their first possession on, giving the Saints no relief in a 27-10 blowout

United Parcells Service Doesn't Deliver Monday Night – The Redskins scored twice in the final four minutes to defeat the Cowboys in Dallas on Monday night

NEW FEATURE - DRUNKPIX

We've started a new feature here at Internet Follies (increasing our total number of regular features to 2, the other being not writing shit) where every weekend, we'll make picks for the NFL week on either Friday or Saturday night after 4 am, and compare those to the picks of ESPN's square squad.

Here's how we've fared the first two weeks:

Merrill Hodge: 19-13
DAN: 18-14
Chris Mortensen: 18-14
Sean Salisbury: 18-14
Ron Jaworski: 15-17
Marcus Allen: 15-17
Mike Golic: 14-18
KEVIN: 13-19

Looking through these picks, it is clear who is the drunkest of the bunch. Mike Golic, however, remains far and away the fattest.

Keep reading the blog! Music posts to arrive shortly! And how about some comments, people? Never hurt anyone.

ILL - FATED AD CAMPAIGNS

American Express launched an extensive advertising bombardment during this year’s US Open featuring an exaggeratedly flustered Andy Roddick and the tagline “Have you seen Andy’s mojo?” Unfortunately, Roddick then lost in the first round of the Open to some guy named Gilles Muller from some country named Luxembourg, turning the cute catchphrase into ironic foreshadowing. It was terrible to watch the rest of the Open and continue to see “Andy’s mojo” commercials, a once tongue-in-cheek endeavor unintentionally turned grim reminder, but we went ahead and did some research on precedent for this topic and found that the Roddick ad campaign wasn’t the first to take an awkward turn for the worse. Recall:

Coca-Cola’s 1988 campaign, “Daryl Strawberry can’t get enough coke!”

Staples’ 2002 “Back to school” sale featuring Willis McGahee, Mike Williams, Carmelo Anthony, and Maurice Clarrett

Rafael Palmiero for Flintstones Vitamins, “10 million strong and growing” (2001)

Schick’s 1996 campaign featuring Michael Westbrook: “I can’t get cut while I’m shaving with Schick!”

Boston Market’s 1986 campaign, “I’m Bill Buckner and I eat at Boston Market.”

Coca-Cola’s 1989 campaign, “Lawrence Taylor can’t get enough coke!”

Mitch Williams for Capital One Savings, declaring “Of course we'll save it, why wouldn't we?” (1992)

Kobe Bryant for Tag Body Spray: “Consider yourself warned” (2003)

Snuggle fabric softener’s 1999 campaign, “Snuggle with Rae Carruth” [arguably, this was ill-fated even before the incident]

American Express’ 1909 campaign, “Have you seen the Cubs’ mojo?”

AFC EAST: What does New England have in common with Johnny Tremain? They’re patriots who will overcome injuries to triumph in the East.

Dan "The Guru Doctor" horsecollars the AFC East:

1. New England Patriots
 
New England doesn't deserve this team. Yeah, I voted Kerry, but I can't stand that culture of blue-blooded Bostonians slapping Pats stickers all over their minivan-bandwagons, blithely shelling out for the league's most expensive ticket so they can go to a game with their 24-year-old son who can't pronounce Rs and his pink-Red-Sox-hat-wearing girlfriend who thinks she understands the game because she can name a player who isn't Tom Brady (i.e., Adam Vinatieri). You already got your goddamn Red Sox World Series, New England, so stop making us hear about how selfless and talentless your players are. Just because they're not Lawrence Taylor doesn't mean they're all shining bastions of gamesmanship. Yes, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady have earned most of the superlatives that sports reporters ejaculate onto them, but enough is enough, and I really hope this is the year someone beats these motherfuckers. They lost their offensive and defensive coordinators, they're without Ty Law, Teddi Bruschi, Ted Johnson, and Roman Phifer on defense, but until New England's season officially ends, they are unquestionably the team to beat in the NFL. Deion Branch turned into Altered Beast in the playoffs last year; if he plays like that all season, this will be one of the league's deadliest offenses. For those of you, like me, that can't wait to see this team go down, don't hold your breath.






Tom Brady is a dreamboat







2. New York Jets

I expect the Jets to take a turn for the worse every year, but Herman Edwards, the dancing skeleton that coaches this team, always points these guys into the playoffs. They're one of the toughest teams in football, a cliché usually reserved for NFL Films about some white linebacker in the 60s who took cheap shots at people, but these Jets really do always hang in games. However, the appendages of Chad Pennington and Ty Law will be of great concern as the season wears, plus I really do believe Curtis Martin will stumble a little this year, so I'm going to go against my intellect and pick the Jets to miss the playoffs. Laveraneus Coles usually produces more stats than substance, plus Justin McCareins is... some guy, so a quizzical task awaits Mike Heimerdinger, the Jets' new offensive coordinator and former German U-Boat captain. All I do know is, the AFC is crowded, and I have to make at least one slightly ballsy pick, so whatever, the Jets are getting slapped by my balls.




The Jets' Mike Heimerdinger: "Ich bin ein coordinator!"







3. Buffalo Bills

J.P. Losman? More like J.P. Loss-Man. Not necessarily, but felt an obligation to get that joke in. The first-year-starter at QB offers a more mobile alternative to the tungsten-footed Drew Bledsoe, who has moved to Dallas to complete the decline of his underwhelming career. Willis McGahee is a top-flight running back, but a fruitless offseason has turned the question marks on the Bills' offensive line into question marks with exclamation points after them. Coach Mike Mularkey, grandson of renowned circus promoter Thatsabuncha Mularkey, hopes to build off a 2004 season in which Bledsoe and Co. squandered more than a couple fine outings by the defense. The anchor on D is Takeo Spikes, a fearsome, mobile linebacker capable of killing Nintendo characters if they touch him, with Lawyer Milloy and Troy Vincent rounding out a superb unit of guys who you forgot aren't on their old teams anymore. If they can get over that Jets hump this season, the Bills could be playoff bound, earning the Loss-Man the title of Boss-Man and therefore making him also able to kill Nintendo characters by touching them.





Mike Mularkey (right) with his grandfather Thatsabuncha, 1937








4. Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins signed Gus Frerotte to be their starting quarterback, but it's likely we'll see A.J. Fiedler in there at some point (does it really matter which?) Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams will share the carries at running back, which should be an upgrade over whoever the hell their leading rusher was last year. Zach Thomas? Some dude from the Rams? Don't remember, don't care to look it up. Sure, Thomas and Junior Seau can still make some plays, but like all humans outside Narnia, they're not getting any younger, plus they lost their entire secondary in the offseason, so every passing play will result in a Jason Taylor sack or an automatic touchdown. Rookie head coach Nick Saban is reputed as a stern, old-school disciplinarian, but we have yet to see how NFL players will react to having their fingers slapped with a ruler whenever they improperly diagram sentences. The Dolphins will be better this year, but if they manage a seven-win season out of the AFC East, expect their fans to be singing "Buenvenidos a Mee-ami!"





Junior Seau is running out of time to win a Superbowl

AFC SOUTH: Enthralling quarterbacks and poor geography highlight a division of southern-fried excitement smothered in the gravy of unpredictability.


Dan "The Guru Doctor" notorizes the AFC South:

1. Indianapolis Colts

Already the crème de la AFC South, the Indianapolis Colts picked up Corey Simon during the preseason, but it's unclear where they'll use him in their offense, at least until they've decided which offensive position Dwight Freeney is going to be converted to. Tony Dungy also plans on using nine-receiver formations and dealing with the constant irreversible penalties that will result, or, alternatively, Dungy may just start receivers on the offensive line in case any balls get tipped in their direction. Reggie Wayne took off last year and may even surpass Marvin Harrison this season, plus with the improving Dallas Clark at tight end and the inexplicably unwanted 1500-yard monster Edgerrin James in a contract year, the Colts will continue to make NFL defenses look like they belong in the WAC Conference. The Colts are a lock to make the playoffs, but until Peyton Manning shoots a commercial which somehow defeats the Patriots, the Colts will continue to spend Superbowl Sunday in their respective living rooms, racking up hundreds of offensive yards catching passes from their other family members.





The Colts' third down receiver package





2. Jacksonville Jaguars

Every four years or so, the NFL's salary cap bends a franchise over and just relentlessly reams it, leaving that team to stagger away weary and bleeding into three seasons of high draft picks. By 2004, the Jaguars' sphincter had finally recovered, and in '05, they hope to be the ones doing the reaming to the rest of the NFL. QB Byron Leftwich is considered an extremely athletic quarterback, a euphemism so transparent, the media might as well just call him "urban." Fred Taylor can still be a threat in the open field, but he just got hurt twice as I was typing this sentence, I think my words scarred cartilage in his knee. Yes, Jimmy Smith is back, but he was there and not 40 when this team went 14-2 in 1999 and they still didn't get to the Superbowl. Jack Del Rio's new-era Jaguars are tougher and more balanced than the Coughlin/Brunell teams who consistently collapsed under the weight of their own gaudy stats once the playoffs came. This year, if Reggie Williams bursts out as a legit deep threat, the Jags could scrape another win out of their schedule, reach the playoffs, and Del Rio will be dancing in the sand.





The cover of Fred Taylor's playbook





3. Houston Texans

Now that they're in their fourth season, if the Texans are unable to post a winning record, expect Dom Capers to be fired and to lobby the NFL to add another expansion team so that he can land another coaching job ("I'm serious - the Portland Tealsharks! It rolls of the tongue!") Evaluating the Texans' club is tricky, as most of their players haven't gone through puberty yet, but if QB David Carr realizes there are other receivers on his team other than the act of getting sacked, this offense could take a Texas-sized leap forward. Running back Domanick Davis... or Andre Davis? Andre Johnson. Domanick Johnson? Anyway, running back Johnsonson Davis is an up-and-comer, and former first-round-pick Davejons Andre is blossoming as one of the NFL's premier deep threats, while just plain Andre is still a seal. I don't think this team has the personnel to hit the playoffs, though, partly because adding Phillip Buchanon doesn't address their weaknesses on their defensive front, but mostly because I still cannot fathom that this is an actual, viable NFL franchise. What is that logo? They're the Texans! Are they saying that the residents of Texas are bulls with stars for their eyes?




This team doesn't exist yet, but Dom Capers will be their first head coach.





4. Tennessee Titans

Steve McNair's injury-riddled body may resemble the gameboard from "Operation," but the Titans have to overcome bigger problems this season than butterflies and wishbones. With Derrick Mason gone, Tennessee's receiving duo of Drew "Garbage Yards" Bennett and Youngie McDraftpick is probably the league's weakest, except for whoever the 49ers have. (Maybe Irving Fryar? What ever happened to Tai Streets?) The Titans do have some building blocks: the running back tandem of Chris Brown and Travis Henry will adequately overcompensate for the 1.3 yards per carry that Eddie George supplied his last couple seasons, and rookie Adam "Pac Man" Jones is the team's most intriguing defensive playmaker since Samari "Dig Dug" Rolle and Jevon "Ship From Galaga" Kearse. The youngsters are in good hands with Jeff Fisher, now in his 12th season, and first-year offensive coordinator Norman Chow from USC, but it might be another year before the Titans can chow down on a playoff spot. This year, they'll have to chow down on some rebuilding sandwiches, which should still taste better than the everyone’s-injured salads this team had to eat in 2004.




Steve McNair has been medically cleared to start the Titans' opener.

AFC NORTH: Cities in which football is the only deterrent to residents leaving for better jobs.


Dan "The Guru Doctor" scalps the AFC North:

1. Pittsburgh Steelers
Like Old Faithful if it spewed special teams meltdowns and a constant surrendering of big passing plays, the annual collapse of my hometown Steelers in last year's AFC Championship game was more of a "they finally got together" romantic comedy ending than an M. Night Shamalan twist. Nonetheless, there's still plenty of optimism brewing in Steeler country going into '05, just there was plenty of optimism each time Sisyphus began pushing that boulder. Second-year phenom Ben Rothlisberger will feel the pressure with the loss of big-play-nonthreat Plaxico Burress, though the addition of tight end Heath Miller, their first round pick out of UVA (did he get rejected from Wash U and Tufts or something?), gives the QB an even more imposing tight end to never throw to. Pittsburgh's run defense should remain impenetrable with the return of giant fatass Casey Hampton, and the offensive line is strong, if not deep, pending the development of second-year giant fatass Max Starks. Injuries to Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis have pushed obscure third-stringer Willie Parker into the starting role at halfback, but Cowher remains confident in Parker, if only because he has the blackest name in league history. This team won't come close to their 15-1 Cinderella season from last year, but a 10 or 11 win Little Mermaid season is not unfathomable, though until Cowher rescinds his "Mandatory Not Covering Receivers In The Playoffs" Policy, Troy Polamalu and James Farrior might make a dozen more Pro Bowls before they see a Super Bowl.

Deflated Steeler fans filter out of Heinz Field after losing the AFC Title Game last January.

2. Baltimore Ravens
Hiring Jim Fassel to take over the offense was a step in the right direction for Baltimore, though being in charge of the Ravens' offense is like being in charge of the hot food at Dairy Queen. Kyle Boller is no Elvis Grbac at QB, but recall that this team won a Superbowl in 2001 behind Trent Dilfer, the world's least effective human. They'll have more weapons on offense this year with the return of Todd Heap, a 6'5" exaggeration of a high school letter-jacket-wearer, the addition of receiver Derrick Mason, who again had 1100 receiving yards last year without ever affecting the outcome of anything, and the arrival of Oklahoma standout Mark Clayton, their first round pick and likely son of ESPN analyst John Clayton. GM Ozzie Newsome is the league's best drafter, and the defense is still top-notch, so this team has the pieces to overtake the Steelers, but, as always, the Ravens' success will hinge entirely on Jamal Lewis' ability to not have his phone calls overheard. Milestone Watch: Coach Brian Billick needs just two public outbursts this season to pass Buddy Ryan for third on the NFL's All-Time Complete Dick List.

I hear Todd Heap's going to pin you at the sock hop tonight!

3. Cincinnati Bengals
The once-endangered Cincinnati Bengals are finally making a resurgence, much like the actual Bengal tiger species, and they possess two legitimate offensive threats in receiver Chad Johnson and running back Rudi Johnson, like the teeth and claws of the actual Bengal tiger. Coach Marvin Lewis is best known for his defensive mastery, but these '05 Bengals are going to have to rely on their offensive skills, like the '05 actual Bengal tiger if the rest of the NFL were and elephant and the tiger was fighting it. Receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh is coming off a breakout year, giving the Bengals a third weapon, as though an actual Bengal tiger were holding a spear in its claws, which wouldn't be as deadly as the claws (because they're Chad Johnson) but could still hurt you. After two 8-8 seasons under Lewis, expectations are rising in Cincinnati almost as fast as the crime rate, but if they can win some turnover battles this season, it's conceivable they could grab an AFC wildcard spot, like the actual Bengal tiger if it were trying to get into, like, the wildcard of animals, but it kept having its whiskers intercepted, even though its face was drafted first overall out of USC and paid a lot of money. I'm good at metafords.

Can Carson Palmer (left) take these young Bengals the extra step?

4. Cleveland Browns
The Cleveland Browns are 30-66 since returning to the NFL in 1999, so they've outperformed the actual city of Cleveland during that span, but the 2005 season promises more frown clowns down in Brown town. What Romeo Crennel did with the Patriots' defense last year was remarkable, but in Cleveland, he'll look like a great classical conductor waving his baton at a pile of horseshit. Past draft choices Tim Couch, Kevin Johnson, Courtney Brown, and Gerard Warren comprise a Washington-Generalsesque roster of ineptitude, though opponents won't need to pull down the Browns' shorts or throw buckets of glitter at their fans to beat them. Braylon Edwards can expect to see lots of octuple coverage while the Browns adjust to Trent Dilfer's "Three-and-Out" offensive scheme. Said Crennel on his new quarterback, "It might be a couple of weeks into the season before we can get to third and long before turning the ball over, but Trent runs this system better than anyone, that's why we got him."

Browns fans will have to be patient as their team rebuilds.

NFC WEST: It’s like those kids that don’t actually want to get in the game but play simply because they don’t want to get made fun of by their dad were given their own division.



Kevin "He Likes Picking Teams So Much You Might As Well Call Him Pickles" Stalingrads the NFC West:

1. St. Louis Rams
The greatest show on turf! A high-flying circus if this fictitious circus lacked bears and funnel cake and instead was a football team! The Rams are more of the Steel Pier at Atlantic City than Cirque de Soleil at this point, only the Rams won’t give you a VD. Well, everyone except Mike Martz. Martz is renowned for his run-and-gun West Coast style offense and his complete abandonment of the running game. Marshall Faulk, arguably the greatest running back in the history of football, was forced to an ancillary role the second Martz took over for Vermeil. Steven Jackson is now the Rams’ starter, which means he’ll get 11 carries a game to Faulk’s 5. They still have Holt and Bruce anchoring a solid receiver corps. Bulger fits perfectly into Martz’s “system,” which essentially means he lines up in shotgun and immediately throws the ball 40 yards downfield. This works within the NFC West because the division absolutely sucks. The Rams will win the division but lose in either the first or second round of the playoffs. Oh, wait, they allegedly have a defense too. I say this only because they signed Dexter Coakley. I guess their only other defensive player, Aeneas Williams, retired or something.

This cat fight occurred at the Steel Pier and has nothing to do with the fact that Martz is a dick

2. Seattle Seahawks
Mike Holmgren was hired to bring the Seahawks back to mediocrity, and he has succeeded admirably - this is the least intimidating team in football. The NFC West playoff race (?) was more like a playoff jog last season. Analysts will probably opt to pick the Rams to take the NFC West because they picked the Seahawks last year and they’re required to alternate every year. Matt Hasselbeck (insert hilarious Survivor/View chick line, even though it's his brother who is on the Giants!) will put up solid regular season numbers again and not be good in crucial games, though Shaun Alexander is still one of the best running backs in the league. Too bad this is irrelevant because the team is missing too many pieces. Darrell Jackson is solid and their fullback’s name is outstanding; Mack Strong is actually not a boss in NARC but is entering his 13th NFL Season. Bobby Engram has actually already dropped the touchdown that would clinch the NFC Wildcard for the Seahawks later this season. Look forward to Holmgren receiving a lucrative contract extension because he won a Superbowl within the past 20 years.

Why did you have to shoot dogs in this game?

3. Arizona Cardinals
Will this team ever stop sucking? Not yet. They don’t delude themselves with playoff aspirations, the Cardinals motivate themselves by clinging to the hopes that they will be able to spoil someone’s (like the Rams) playoff hopes. This is the only way that they’re able to rationalize their existence. Very similar to the Lions, the Cardinals are another team with remarkably gifted young receivers in Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. We’ll see if there’s any magic left in Kurt Warner; I hope he wins some games because otherwise his wife will beat him up (she’s actually Gozer). I’m also still convinced that Josh McCown is Cade McNown, even though McCown is more likely to throw a Sonic Boom (dude looks more than a little like Guile). Following the retirement of Emmitt Smith, the Cardinals signed the skeleton of the hominid Lucy to play halfback, but remarkably, Smith is actually older than her. Arizona should have the most dominant defense in football this season because they signed 10 rattlesnakes to start alongside Robert Griffith. There is a silver lining for this story, however. Under the leadership of Dennis Green, expect the Cardinals to make the playoffs sometime within the next few years and begin to lose these games in horribly frustrating ways.

Brenda Warner

4. San Francisco 49ers
At one point this team was the envy of the entire league. They still dominate like crazy…..in Tecmo Bowl. Boy, do they suck in real life though. They’ve made a series of hilarious decisions, the first of which, of course, was replacing Steve Mariucci with Dennis Ericsson. Then realizing the error, they hired somebody’s son (Mike Nolan). I think they interviewed Dennis Green to meet their minority requirement even though Green was already hired as the Cardinals' head coach over a year ago, but Tagliabue OK’d the decision without hesitation. With the first selection of the 2005 NFL draft, the 49ers selected: it doesn’t fucking matter, this team is irreparable. It appears the 49ers will start Tim Rattay then ease into the transition to Alex Smith, but they’re actually just delaying the inevitability of Smith’s first concussion and interception. They should start Ken Dorsey, release Smith and Rattay, sign Jason White and coax Eric Crouch and Tommy Frazier out of retirement to have the most hilarious “island of lost toys” lineup of quarterbacks. Their defense is a laundry list of no-names. They should bring back Dana Stubblefield for my amusement. I like to laugh at his tiny head and enormous body.

Stubblefield actually wore a Dairy Queen derby helmet during games

AFC WEST: Home of the West Coast Offense, meaning that they throw a football and announcers call it the West Coast Offense.


Dan "The Guru Doctor" shoots the AFC West first and asks questions later:

1. Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs led the NFL in total offense last season, prompting Dick Vermeil to break down crying at season's end, but they also ranked second to last in total defense, prompting Vermeil to break down crying at the end of every game. He also cried after every injury, holding penalty, and any halftime shows that didn't live up to his expectations. Priest Holmes and Tony Gonzalez own fantasy football, but this ain't no fantasy, there's more to the real NFL than complaining about your commissioner's scoring system and trash talking via Yahoo message boards. That’s why the Chiefs brought back Gunther Cunningham as their defensive coordinator last year, apparently hoping his archaic first name would instantly make their defense tougher. This year, the Chiefs switched to the "let's actually put dudes on the field" approach, adding D-backs Sammy Knight and Patrick Surtain from the Dolphins and drafting menacing Texas linebacker Derrick Johnson. Trent Green turns the ball over too much, but he always throws for huge yards, so if their defense upgrades from drunken-uncle-on-Christmas embarrassing to mother-tells-cute-story-about-you embarrassing, there'll be plenty of reasons for the fans at Arrowhead to do their Indian-pounding-whiskey-shots gesture, or whatever that's supposed to be. The Chiefs will compete in the AFC West for Surtain.

Dick Vermeil cries after a Rams preseason game in which his second team underperformed.

2. Denver Broncos
The AFC's answer to the Packers, the once-great Broncos are becoming masters of the early playoff exit. Until Mike Shanahan decides that even he could gain 1000 yards rushing in this offense, Denver is deep at running back with Mike Anderson, Tatum Bell, and Ron Dayne, who, interestingly, averaged more yards per carry in college than he totaled in his entire Giants career. Ashley Lelie and Rod Smith comprise a potential top-10 receiving duo, but I refuse to believe that Ed McCaffery is off this team until I see a conclusive autopsy report. QB Jake "The Snake" Plummer, nicknamed "The Snake" because he's capable of poisoning his team with turnovers, or, possibly, because his name rhymes with “snake” and people are clever, is the perfect quarterback for this team's "let's be good, but not Superbowl good" philosophy. The Broncos are still tough at home, likely because opposing teams are distracted by home runs from Coors Field raining on the football field during games, and yes, the Rockies only play til October, but balls still fly out of Coors year-round, they shoot out of the Dante Bichette statue in left field. The additions of Cleveland castoffs Courtney Brown and Gerard Warren should upgrade Denver's defense, though even I can't tell if I'm being sarcastic on that one. Either way, expect a 9-7 year out of the Bronc's (not The Bronx) and fierce contention to be the last team into and first out of the AFC playoffs.

The pressure's on Mike Shanahan to get the Broncos deeper into the playoffs (Artist's Conception)

3. San Diego Chargers
In this era of salary-cap-aided parity in the NFL, only one thing is certain: The San Diego Chargers will not win the Superbowl. LaDanian Tomlinson is the league's best back, and they're far from the worst team in the league, but it won't matter, every Marty Schottenheimer team must choke, it's a mathematical certainty. No, it's more than a mathematical certainty. The constant Pi has a better chance of winning the Superbowl than the Chargers. Schottenheimer choking is the middle star in Orion's belt. It's a more viable alternative energy source than wind. Did you see the Chargers last season? They went into the playoffs 12-4 and lost in the first round on a missed field goal, of which Schottenheimer commented, "All these things are in the hands of the Lord," the Lord, I assume, referring to their kicker. On a non-spiritual level, this team is in trouble. The front office will be quietly rooting for Philip Rivers to get some snaps at QB, tight end Antonio Gates is justifiably pissed about his contract, the team's done nothing to upgrade their 31st-ranked pass defense, and their top receiver is Keenan "Jimmy Smith's Covered" McCardell. Most of ESPN’s analysts have the Chargers making the playoffs, but in my opinion, these guys are all charged out. That's an expression, right?

Schottenheimer's frustrations showed last season after his twentieth straight playoff loss.

4. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders' offense is sick, sick sick. Randy Moss, Jerry Porter, and LaMont Jordan would easily combine for 40 touchdowns even if they didn't have anyone coaching them, but with Norv Turner running the show, they could conceivably reach 25 or 30. Fortunately for Kerry Collins, he won't need to be sober to drive this team down the field; throwing to Moss and Porter will be like bumper bowling, which should well suit Collins, now an eight-year-old at his friend Randy's birthday party (I think his mom bought Moss "Jenga"). If tackle Robert Gallery is healthy for the year, Jordan will outgain former teammate Curtis Martin and will give the Raiders' subpar defense some rest, something which D-linemen Warren Fatt and Ted "Bigger Than The City Of" Washington desperately need, provided Kevin Spacey's character from "Seven" doesn't murder them first. If this team's coach wasn't worthless, I'd see them competing for a wildcard, but until then, the Raiders will trash some opponents but have to settle for a vagabond life in the standings. Ah, to be a raider.

Ted Washington is hypnotically fat.

OUR 2005 NFL PICKS

NFC DIVISION WINNERS
Dan: Eagles, Panthers, Vikings, Rams
Kev: Eagles, Panthers, Vikings, Rams

NFC WILDCARDS
Dan: Falcons, Packers
Kev: Cowboys, Falcons

AFC DIVISION WINNERS
Dan: Patriots, Colts, Steelers, Chiefs
Kev: Patriots, Colts, Ravens, Chiefs

AFC WILDCARDS
Dan: Ravens, Jaguars
Kev: Broncos, Jets

NFC Championship
Dan & Kev: Eagles over Panthers

AFC Championship
Dan & Kev: Patriots over Colts

SUPERBOWL
DAN & KEV: EAGLES OVER PATRIOTS