Tuesday, September 06, 2005

NFC WEST: It’s like those kids that don’t actually want to get in the game but play simply because they don’t want to get made fun of by their dad were given their own division.

Kevin "He Likes Picking Teams So Much You Might As Well Call Him Pickles" Stalingrads the NFC West:

1. St. Louis Rams
The greatest show on turf! A high-flying circus if this fictitious circus lacked bears and funnel cake and instead was a football team! The Rams are more of the Steel Pier at Atlantic City than Cirque de Soleil at this point, only the Rams won’t give you a VD. Well, everyone except Mike Martz. Martz is renowned for his run-and-gun West Coast style offense and his complete abandonment of the running game. Marshall Faulk, arguably the greatest running back in the history of football, was forced to an ancillary role the second Martz took over for Vermeil. Steven Jackson is now the Rams’ starter, which means he’ll get 11 carries a game to Faulk’s 5. They still have Holt and Bruce anchoring a solid receiver corps. Bulger fits perfectly into Martz’s “system,” which essentially means he lines up in shotgun and immediately throws the ball 40 yards downfield. This works within the NFC West because the division absolutely sucks. The Rams will win the division but lose in either the first or second round of the playoffs. Oh, wait, they allegedly have a defense too. I say this only because they signed Dexter Coakley. I guess their only other defensive player, Aeneas Williams, retired or something.

This cat fight occurred at the Steel Pier and has nothing to do with the fact that Martz is a dick

2. Seattle Seahawks
Mike Holmgren was hired to bring the Seahawks back to mediocrity, and he has succeeded admirably - this is the least intimidating team in football. The NFC West playoff race (?) was more like a playoff jog last season. Analysts will probably opt to pick the Rams to take the NFC West because they picked the Seahawks last year and they’re required to alternate every year. Matt Hasselbeck (insert hilarious Survivor/View chick line, even though it's his brother who is on the Giants!) will put up solid regular season numbers again and not be good in crucial games, though Shaun Alexander is still one of the best running backs in the league. Too bad this is irrelevant because the team is missing too many pieces. Darrell Jackson is solid and their fullback’s name is outstanding; Mack Strong is actually not a boss in NARC but is entering his 13th NFL Season. Bobby Engram has actually already dropped the touchdown that would clinch the NFC Wildcard for the Seahawks later this season. Look forward to Holmgren receiving a lucrative contract extension because he won a Superbowl within the past 20 years.

Why did you have to shoot dogs in this game?

3. Arizona Cardinals
Will this team ever stop sucking? Not yet. They don’t delude themselves with playoff aspirations, the Cardinals motivate themselves by clinging to the hopes that they will be able to spoil someone’s (like the Rams) playoff hopes. This is the only way that they’re able to rationalize their existence. Very similar to the Lions, the Cardinals are another team with remarkably gifted young receivers in Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. We’ll see if there’s any magic left in Kurt Warner; I hope he wins some games because otherwise his wife will beat him up (she’s actually Gozer). I’m also still convinced that Josh McCown is Cade McNown, even though McCown is more likely to throw a Sonic Boom (dude looks more than a little like Guile). Following the retirement of Emmitt Smith, the Cardinals signed the skeleton of the hominid Lucy to play halfback, but remarkably, Smith is actually older than her. Arizona should have the most dominant defense in football this season because they signed 10 rattlesnakes to start alongside Robert Griffith. There is a silver lining for this story, however. Under the leadership of Dennis Green, expect the Cardinals to make the playoffs sometime within the next few years and begin to lose these games in horribly frustrating ways.

Brenda Warner

4. San Francisco 49ers
At one point this team was the envy of the entire league. They still dominate like crazy…..in Tecmo Bowl. Boy, do they suck in real life though. They’ve made a series of hilarious decisions, the first of which, of course, was replacing Steve Mariucci with Dennis Ericsson. Then realizing the error, they hired somebody’s son (Mike Nolan). I think they interviewed Dennis Green to meet their minority requirement even though Green was already hired as the Cardinals' head coach over a year ago, but Tagliabue OK’d the decision without hesitation. With the first selection of the 2005 NFL draft, the 49ers selected: it doesn’t fucking matter, this team is irreparable. It appears the 49ers will start Tim Rattay then ease into the transition to Alex Smith, but they’re actually just delaying the inevitability of Smith’s first concussion and interception. They should start Ken Dorsey, release Smith and Rattay, sign Jason White and coax Eric Crouch and Tommy Frazier out of retirement to have the most hilarious “island of lost toys” lineup of quarterbacks. Their defense is a laundry list of no-names. They should bring back Dana Stubblefield for my amusement. I like to laugh at his tiny head and enormous body.

Stubblefield actually wore a Dairy Queen derby helmet during games


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