NEW BLOG

Sports Blog has moved to Teapot Dome Scandal

Music Blog has become Band Madness


Sorry, Internet Follies. It's not you, it's me. Me not liking you.

DEADWOOD COCKSUCKER COUNT - EPISODE 4

Just watched epsiode four on the Deadwood dvds, and a strong showing indeed; episode four posted another EIGHT COCKSUCKERS, pushing the Cocksucker Count to a total of 32 through just four episodes.


Can they get to 61 before the season's out? Watch out Roger Maris, you cocksucker!

STEELERS SEAHAWKS SUPERBOWL XV SPREAD

The internet, which I understand is this big thing with all this stuff, is currently posting a spread of STEELERS BY 3.5 OVER THE SEAHAWKS in the Superbowl.

Bear in mind, the Steelers are the number 6 seed in the AFC, Seattle is the number 1 seed in the NFC. That's how much this "intra-net" respects the NFC.

Stay tuned to Internet Follies these next couple weeks for the ONLY SUPERBOWL COVERAGE AVAILABLE, ONLINE OR ELSEWHERE!

DEADWOOD COCKSUCKER COUNT

I had never seen an episode of HBO's miniseries "Deadwood" before this year, but from friends that I'd talked to, I had deduced two general sentiments about the show: 1) It's good, and 2) They say the word "cocksucker" a lot.

I have since Netflixed the Season One dvds, and, three episodes in, I have come to two general conclusions about the show: 1) It is good, though that's to be expected from anything HBO, and 2) They say the word "cocksucker" A LOT. Like, a whole lot. Waaaay lots. Cocksucker = lots of.

Three episodes in, my unofficial tally has counted an impressive TWENTY FOUR COCKSUCKERS - 12 in episode one, a disappointing 4 in episode 2, and a nice rebound with 8 in episode 3. I'm hoping this ridiculous and hilarious trend continues, but either way, I will continue to report on this phenomenon as I dive deeper into the series.

Thanks, cocksuckers.

RE: COLTS CONSPIRACY

Wow, didn't take long for the NFL to admit their mistake. ESPN.com posted this article less than an hour after my blog article went up. I really made a difference! Maybe my next post will be about bringing "TV Funhouse" back to Comedy Central.

NFL PLAYOFFS: COLTS CONSPIRACY (aka, COLTSpiracy, or ConspirINDY)

Troy Polamalu’s overturned interception was the worst call I have ever seen in the history of football. The play, initially ruled an interception, was challenged by the Colts, and after ten minutes of looking at replays which showed, from all angles, Polamalu catching the ball, keeping possession as he rolled over twice, and standing up with the ball before fumbling and recovering it, the referees overturned the call and gave the Colts the ball back, rejecting a call which would have essentially ended the game.

Joey Porter didn’t buy the NFL’s bullshit explanation and claimed the league had a hidden agenda to get the media-darling Colts into the Superbowl. Not only is Porter definitely correct, but, given the amateurish, Black-Sox like manner in which the fix has played out, I am appalled that no sportswriters are calling the league out.

The NFL wants Manning—their DirecTV rep, Mastercard icon, and nonthreatening Forrest Gumplike hick—in the Superbowl, pure and simple. The death of Tony Dungy’s son in December was icing on the cake, as journalists began prematurely fondling themselves while fantasizing about potential Superbowl storylines. Like some Spider-Man villain who turns to evil after his life’s work is put in jeopardy, the NFL simply couldn’t allow the Colts to lose yesterday, and took it out on the Steelers via their black-and-white striped goons. Anyone notice that Carnage was the line judge?

The season was fixed from day one. The Colts’ rigged-ass schedule included only three games against teams that made the playoffs last year (New England, Pittsburgh, San Diego). The first game of the three, against New England, didn’t come until WEEK NINE, after a murderer’s row of Cleveland, Tennessee, San Francisco, St. Louis, and Houston (a combined 22-58 between them), ensuring that Indy would be undefeated heading into the primetime SI-cover game. They then got Pittsburgh at home on a Monday night in Week 12, so that by the time they played San Diego (at home) and Seattle late in the year, they had already wrapped up home field advantage throughout the playoffs. And, just to compare, check out the Patriots’ and Chargers’ schedules...isn’t that ridiculous?? Meanwhile, the Colts were favored by a touchdown or more in TWELVE of their sixteen games; they were like a college team that managed to play its pre-conference schedule for a whole season. You really think Indy’s schedule was some coincidental mathematical anomaly? Yeah right, and boxing isn’t fixed either, and wrestling is real, and I couldn’t think of a third thing for this list but you’re still a fucking idiot.

Back to Sunday’s game. Forget the ignored 50-yard pass interference penalty inflicted on Antwaan Randle El in the first quarter, let’s focus just on the overturned interception. There’s five minutes left and the Steelers are up by two scores. They intercept the ball, all but ensuring defeat for the Colts. The referee has two choices: uphold the call, and Pittsburgh runs out the clock, or overturn the call, allowing for an exciting last-minute Manning comeback attempt in a nationally televised game and a chance for the darling Colts to stay on tv another week. The replays not only showed no conclusive evidence to overturn the call, but they also showed extremely conclusive evidence—Matrix-360 camera angles, THX quality sound, and even holograms—that Polamalu retained possession of the ball. Then, the ref has the audacity to give this explanation:

“Upon further review, the player’s knee was down when the ball came loose. Therefore, it is an incomplete pass, it will be Indianapolis’ ball, second down.”

The anger with which I responded to this announcement frightened me. I was unleashing profanity like if Twista was just rapping the word “fuck” again and again for five minutes, cursing even my television itself for existing and showing me what I had just seen. His knee was down, therefore, incomplete pass? What the fuck rule is that?? Might as well have had Tommy Boy come out and explain “I was checkin’ the specs on the…rotary…girder… I’m retarded.” During the review, Dan Dierdorf concluded quickly that it couldn’t be overturned and started talking about other things in the game, and when the call was overturned, he just didn’t know what to say. On the postgame show, Shannon Sharpe referred to “The call made by Referee Archie Manning…whoops, I mean Pete Morelli…”

For argument’s sake, EVEN IF THAT RULE EXISTED, which it doesn’t, then why did the review take ten minutes?? If there is a “knee = no interception” rule—hereafter referred to as the Bulllllllshit Rule—then wouldn’t the refs have watched the first replay and immediately said “oh, his knee hits, Bulllllllshit Rule applies, no catch,” and that’s it?

The review took ten minutes because Pete Morelli was on the phone with the NFL’s Marcellus Wallace equivalent, who was warning him, “You give that ball back to the Colts or say goodbye to your family,” only probably something wittier. Result: the most impossibly overturned call in the history of instant replay, yielding, indeed, an exciting finish but a Colts defeat, meaning Morelli will probably get to keep his life but will at least lose his thumbs.

The saddest part of this whole ordeal is that we don’t really need the Colts in the Superbowl. This is football, the Superbowl is exciting no matter who’s playing (unless it’s the Ravens). This isn’t like baseball relying on the Yankees and Red Sox. Why does the league feel it’s necessary to manufacture a champion, especially when it’s a team as undeserving as the Colts? I’ll explain that sentiment in my next post, but for now, suffice to say that Droopy the Dog was right: Cheaters never win. And neither does Peyton Manning.

RE: MILBURY'S MESS

Way to hop on the bandwagon, Mr. 70s Porn Star Columnist. You're a day late.

My suggested Post headline for today: "All Around the Milbury Bush, Pop! Goes The GM"

SHITTY EXECUTIVE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: MIKE MILBURY

New York Islanders longtime General Manager Mike Milbury has agreed to step down this season, ending his ten-year reign of hilarity. If there’s one thing we love more than impotent coaches at Internet Follies, it’s apocalyptic GMs, and Mike Milbury is a man who truly embodies the spirit of the word “cancerous.” Cue Greenday’s “Time of Your Life,” and let’s take a spin back through Milbury’s amazing career on the Island.

1998 – Mike Milbury trades Todd Bertuzzi and Bryan McCabe to Vancouver for Trevor Linden. In desperate need of what he called a “veteran presence of washed-upness,” Milbury sought after Linden; since then, Bertuzzi, despite his misgivings, has scored 161 goals to Linden’s 74, while throw-in Bryan McCabe, now with the Maple Leafs, leads all NHL defensemen in scoring this season (49 points, Linden has 6). Milbury blames the trade on “playing too much NHL ’94,” and swears “I thought Linden’s cheap-ass backhand wraparound was unstoppable.”

2000 – Milbury drafts goaltender Rick DiPietro with the first overall pick instead of Dany Heatley, despite having drafted goalie Roberto Luongo with the fourth overall pick three years earlier. Milbury then trades Luongo and Olli Jokinen to Florida for Mark Parrish and Oleg Kvasha. Now, instead of having Luongo (set an NHL record for saves in 2003, probable starting goalie for Team Canada), Heatley (2002 Rookie of the Year, currently 6th in the NHL in scoring), and Jokinen (Florida’s captain at age 27, 46 points this year), the Islanders have DiPietro (3.45 GAA, as “potential” is not a solid object and cannot stop pucks), Parrish (27 points, but would make a great XFL name), and Kvasha (a big, worthless piece of shit). Worst trade in recent NHL history? Nope. Because…

2001 – Milbury, now sure nothing he can do will get him fired, decides to test that theory, acquiring fellow “cancer” Alexei Yashin from Ottawa for Zdeno Chara, Bill Muckalt, and the 2nd overall pick in the 2001 draft, which became Jason Spezza. Yashin currently has 37 points, is the second-highest paid player in the league behind Jagr, is booed every home game, and has been called a “cancer” more times than the actual disease cancer (which is still less frequently than Terrell Owens). The 22-year-old Spezza has 48 points, the 6’9” Chara was a finalist for the Norris Trophy last season as the league’s top defenseman, and though Muckalt never panned out, he would have had to score about negative a million goals to make this deal even.

January 12, 2006 – Mike Milbury announces his resignation. Subtract 2001 from 2006 and you will get the number 5. That’s five years after the Yashin trade Milbury kept his job, and that is a walking-on-the-moon, polio-vaccine caliber achievement.

Mike Tice, you’re terrific, but you’ve got a long way to go before we hand you one of our lifetime achievement awards of hilarity. In case you're wondering, the award is shaped like Kevin and I looking at espn.com pointing and laughing.