Friday, September 09, 2005

NFC SOUTH: We're going to Disney World! Cause we're all geographically very close to it.

Kevin "He Likes Picking Teams So Much You Might As Well Call Him Pickles" cannonballs the NFC South

1. Carolina Panthers
The Panthers finished 7-9 last season following their Super Bowl loss in 2004. Poised to return to excellence, this team could legitimately dethrone the Eagles as NFC Champions IF they can remain healthy. Currently, the panther has replaced the sea snake/water moccasin as my pick for world's scariest animal. This is good for Carolina. These human panthers are a lot scarier this year following the return of running back Stephen Davis, DT Kris Jenkins and WR Steve Smith. Look for QB Jake Delhomme to have a solid season. Hailing from the movie Deliverance, Delhomme is another quarterback in the line of stereotypical white Southerners. The Browns will actually be starting Southern-Bot Hitch Lee, who is to be formed from grits and threads from the Confederate flag. Quick note: Backup QB Chris Weinke is 33 years old. The Panthers also bring back backup running back and special teams superstar HeHateMe. Panthers fans don't hate the fact that their defense also features Julius Peppers, Dan Morgan, and Chris Gamble. Even though their ability to avoid injuries is crucial, they're my pick to take the NFC South if for nothing other than the fact that I had their Starter Jacket in 7 th grade and it was really awesome.

Take that Charlotte Hornets jacket

2. Atlanta Falcons
Under first year coach Jim Mora Jr., the Falcons were able to reach the NFC Championship game last season. Can they defeat the Eagles and make it to Detroit this year? No, they don't have the quarterback to get them there. Michael Vick is terribly overrated. Yea I get it; he's so fucking "athletic." This isn't Bill Walsh College Football, you can't just drop back and scramble for 30 yards every play. Vick will actually get decapitated this year. He completed more commercials last season than passes over 10 yards. If we've learned anything from his commercials, Vick's accuracy is questionable but he can literally throw a mile, like out of the stadium and into outer space, I've seen the video. Michael Vick is not Donovan McNabb. Hell, he isn't even Paul Blake (Vick couldn't hit that scarecrow with that degree of consistency). They released Peerless Price in large part due to his lack of productivity. The problem is that Vick seems unable to complete a pass to anybody not named Alge Crumpler. Good thing that the Falcons also have an overrated, undersized starting RB in Warrick Dunn. The Falcons return with an above-average defense featuring stalwart middle linebacker Keith Brooking, standout DE Pat Kierney, rookie DE Derrick Johnson, and Eugene Robinson at Strong Solicitor. Robinson isn't actually on the Falcons roster but can be found paying for sex outside the stadium every Sunday. The NFC West will come down to the Falcons and the Panthers. I'm going with the Panthers.

Blakes's totally getting laid tonight

3. New Orleans Saints
This post is about football, nothing else. That being said, the Saints are perpetually a touchdown or turnover out of the playoffs, will this be their year? The Saints have made an art of underachieving and not in a cool "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" type of way but more like a kid with a 1300 in his SAT's going to community college. This team defines the cliché "great on paper." Yea, they have a talented roster, but pieces of paper don't turn the ball over at inopportune times, humans do. As soon as these Saints start marching, they always seem to trip over each other before the grand finale. The Saints' entire season can be encapsulated in a NFL Film featuring Coach Jim Haslett dropping his headset in defeat, sighing and clearly thinking internally, "I can't believe we managed to fuck up again." Schizophrenic QB Aaron Brooks needs to be consistent and make the right decisions. The jury is still out where Brooks stands on the ROYGBIV, somewhere between Donovan McNabb and Charlie Batch. With a solid receiving corps the Saints will contend for the NFC South like they do every year. The biggest problem entering the 2005 season is that the Saints will sorely miss Willie Roaf and his hilarious name, that sounds like olive loaf.

Blakes's totally getting laid

Willie Olive Roaf

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
How do you avoid a fourth straight losing season following a Super Bowl appearance? The Bucs apparently have no idea because they're bringing back Brian Griese as their starter. The jig was up for Griese in Denver after a few seasons but he's managed to pull the wool over Gruden's eyes for at least a few games this season. Well at least there's Luke McCown and Chris Simms if Griese doesn't work out…..Well, they can always turn to their running game. Oh fuck, it's still Pittman? But hey, what about Cadillac? Cadillac's gonna turn it around, right? That question is rhetorical. They should probably just return to those flamboyant orange and white uniforms to let the rest of the league know that they're self aware of the fact that they suck. Brooks, Spires, Rice and the rest of the defense will lose another year of their lives. But fuck 'em, they won a Super Bowl 4 years ago and they have a pirate ship in their stadium.

Mike Alstott

Mike Alstott


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