NFC NORTH: Lions, Packers, Vikings and Bears! Oh my, they suck!
Kevin "He Likes Picking Teams So Much You Might As Well Call Him Pickles" goes down on the NFC North:
1. Minnesota Vikings
The class (?) of the North. Mike "Donkey Kong" Tice returns as head coach; I'd say the man had a lobotomy, but that would be inferring that he had a frontal lobe to begin with. The Vikings were fortunate that their starters made it out of camp uninjured, for Tice often throws barrels at people when he's hungry. The Vikings are the only team in the division to improve a glaring weakness: Defense! Following the acquisition of players like Fred Smoot and rookie Erasmus James, the defense is remarkably stronger but again, what about the offense? Is there life after Moss? Can Daunte "He really is that fucking big" Culpepper continue to dominate in Moss' absence? Within the paltry NFC North, yes. Coupled with Michael Bennett, the Vikings' offense will steamroll its way to the NFC North title. Then they'll be forced to play real football teams in games that matter, and that’s where this story will end. Minnesota will lose in either the second round or the NFC Championship.
Tice wants meat
2. Green Bay Packers
Brett Favre's swan song? Once the most dominant quarterback to line up behind center is now an interception machine! Some say that Favre's fairy tale career began to go downhill when the Eagles completed that miracle 4th and 26, and I'll wholeheartedly agree. Favre should probably start grooming Aaron Rodgers, but Rodgers is an adult and I'm sure he knows how to wash/dress himself. Ahman Green, Javon Walker, Bubba Franks, Donald Driver, need I say more? Favre has an astounding supporting cast to over/under throw on crucial plays. Playing at Lambeau Field used to strike fear into the hearts of opponents, but now opposing quarterbacks can expect to throw anywhere from 900 (if you're someone like AJ Feeley) to upwards of 1,000,000 yards (Matt Hasselback) against the Green Bay secondary. Scientists haven't made a number high enough to equate how much Manning would put up against them. Just think of an infinite plane of existence, like a Virtual Boy without the lame factor. Expect the Packers to abandon their secondary and instead start Favre as their entire defensive backfield. They’re planning on having Favre throw footballs at opposing receivers to distract them, plus his accuracy should be considerably higher because they're not wearing Packers jerseys.
Virtual Yoshi is less likely to get a penalty than Al Harris
3. Detroit Lions
The Super Bowl will be held in Detroit this year, and it’s too bad Detroit's young rising stars have absolutely no chance of playing in it. The Lions are considering forfeiting the season so they can secure the #1 draft pick to select another receiver. Though currently healthy, I'd suggest we start counting down the days until Charles Rogers breaks his clavicle for the third season in a row. They’re still stuck with Joey Harrington at quarterback, who’s more inconsistent than my ability to withstand from ejaculating; don't expect a breakthrough back-against-the-wall season out of Harrington like Drew Brees' performance last year. Kevin Jones is not LaDanian Thomlinson and I still deeply dislike him for faking injuries in high school and throwing a shot-put effortlessly much further than me in eighth grade. I also don't think he’s durable enough. I think Detroit still attempts to put a defense on the field too. All kidding aside, they have a dude named Boss playing linebacker. That's pretty fucking badass.
Luckily Jones didn't have to break 800 on the SAT's to get into the NFL
4. Chicago Bears
The NFC North should be renamed the NFC Inevitably of Young Offensive Stars Ending Their Season Prematurely or the NFC IOYOSETSP. Like Charles Rogers, Rex Grossman has made a career of getting injured. Grossman has a bonus structure built into his contract that depends on the severity and inconvenience of his injuries. The more "season ending", the better. He already fulfilled his contractual obligation by breaking his ankle in the preseason. Chicago allegedly intends to start rookie Kyle Orton out of Purdue, but expect him to be completely unprepared to handle a starting role. Good thing they signed Mushin Mohammed because he'll have either Mark Rypien or Charlie Ward throwing interceptions out of the Bears backfield by Week 3. Cedric Benson finally signed just in time to get injured; look for a standout year from Kijana Carter. And look at the bright side, there's always Brian Urlacher………I'll now refer to the '85 Bears Defense for no apparent reason. They existed and were good. Can you believe Jim McMahon's brother stabbed him in the eye with a fork?
"Johnny Be Good" starring Anthony Michael Hall and Jim McMahon