Friday, September 09, 2005

NFC EAST: Once the most dominant division in football but could now be renamed, "What Week Will the Eagles Clinch the Title This Year?"

Kevin "He Likes Picking Teams So Much You Might As Well Call Him Pickles" suplexes the NFC East:

1. Philadelphia Eagles
Following their Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, the Eagles had to overcome a few minor distractions. Can you believe Brian Westbrook holding out for so long? Then there was the loss of Todd Pinkston, both a decent #3 receiver and an enormous pussy. Correll "Even I have no idea why people actually think I'll play in the regular season" Buckhalter should be traded to a team in the NFC North. Fredex was overnighted out of Philly in a box filled with his funny hats and the fact that he looks like a grandmom. Corey Simon refused a franchise contract and was released, but should return to the Eagles in three years to accept the league's veteran minimum. Veteran Hugh Douglas was also released. The Eagles have somehow formed a microcosm of the Industrial Revolution and Social Darwinism; Andy Reid actually carries a shotgun in case any of his players get injured and he needs to "put them down." Drafting wisely, the Eagles still boast one of the best defenses in the NFL, featuring Lito Sheppard and Brian Dawkins in the secondary and Jeremiah Trotter in the middle. McNabb is still the third best quarterback in the NFL behind Brady and Manning. And finally, there's TO. Owens has taken on some kind of Voldemort mystique where I don't want to mention him out of fear of fucking everything up. Distraction, smistraction. Ben Franklin might just be cumming cheese wiz while getting fellated by Betsy Ross as he signs the Constitution and lacks a subway system because this is it for my boys. This is their year. E-A-Sorry, I got too annoyed typing this. Super Bowl victory.

Even clich├ęs agree this is the Eagles' year.

2. Dallas Cowboys
America's team. Everyone from the easiest team to hate in the '90s has either retired (Aikman, Irving, etc.) or become fossilized in amber (Emmitt Smith). So what did they do? They brought in coaching legend Bill Parcells a few years ago. Promising at first, Parcells brought in Vinny fucking Testaverde to, I don't know, throw interceptions and get sacked? Well he's done it again this year by bringing in Drew Bledsoe, the difference is Bledsoe will throw interceptions more accurately. Parcells needs to realize this is the NFL and not "On The Waterfront," he doesn't have to prove anything. He's won Superbowls. Luckily, Bledsoe can hand the ball off to Julius Jones until he gets injured. Their receivers would have been intimidating five years ago, but Keyshawn Johnson is a bitch and Terry Glenn has creepy hair (honestly, dude looks like Flat Top from Dick Tracy if he were a No Limit Solider). The most reliable receiver will be TE Jason Witten. Defensively, the Cowboys were a major disappointment last season. Parcells has decided to switch to a 3-4 scheme featuring young defensive ends including the recovering Marcus Spears. The Cowboys have an Asian middle linebacker in Dat Nguyen. Don't forget about Roy "The Dream Crusher" Williams. Though no longer a powerhouse, expect improvement from the Cowboys this season.

Parcells will start Roger Staubach before the end of the season.

3. New York Giants
Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. Giants fans hope Eli Manning can create the "living up to the hype and winning games" gin. Entering his second year, the entire franchise hinges on the success of their young quarterback. They went ahead and signed inconsistent playmaker Plaxico Burress from Pittsburgh to give Manning another target. They still have Jeremy Shockey whose mouth continues to write checks that his play on the field cannot cash. But it's cool, he'll probably just get interviewed by Stuff and say he "likes tits." They still have one of the top running backs in Tiki Barber. The Giants should be commended for legitimately attempting to improve their roster and fill needs. They don't have enough to put them over the top, though. They still have more gaps to fill than Michael Strahan's mouth. (hiyooo!) Coach Tom Coughlin is also a jerkoff. This isn't the Navy SEALS, it's a professional football team. You almost got the Jags into the Superbowl but that was when Mark Brunell was actually intimidating (Yea, that long ago). And back to Eli. Will he live up to the hype? No. Even with the most hickish name I've ever heard, this good ol' boy will not get the job done. Here comes Tim Hasselbeck!

Eli (center) at Manning family reunion

4. Washington Redskins
The return of Joe Gibbs was not triumphant. This is a man who won a Superbowl with Doug Williams and fucking Mark Rypien, the only two non-Caucausian quarterbacks ever to win the big game. The man is a legend. He returned to Washington last year and was given a team that boasted a very solid RB in Clinton Portis and a disaster worse than when the power went out in Jurassic Park at the quarterback position. Ramsey or Brunell? It's a lose-lose situation. At least bring back Danny Wuerffel to make losing funny. Wuerfell falls into the Jason White category of "How the fuck can you justify giving him a Heisman in retrospect?" Good news is they may have a future quarterback in Auburn rookie Jason Campbell, so the writing appears to be on the wall for end of the reign of Ramsey in Washington. Their biggest off-season move was trading someone for themself. Laveranues Coles and Santana Moss are clearly the same person. Somehow, Laveranues Coles, or Santana Moss or whatever his real name is, has secured contracts with the Redskins and Jets. Good thing the two teams don't play one another because Santana Coles would have to keep running back and forth between teams like Jack Tripper from "Three's Company" (Gibbs is totally Furley). Oh yeah, they still have a really good defense. LaVar Arrington should just put himself on injured reserve and get traded. Basically, they're the poor man's Ravens.

Gibbs is shocked when he realizes that Coles/Moss is the same person


At 5:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Wuerfell falls into the Jason White category of "How the fuck can you justify giving him a Heisman in retrospect?"

Dude, Jason White belonged in the "How the fuck am I watching Jason White get a Heisman RIGHT NOW?" category.
Did the Heisman ever mean anything more than the representation of a cool pose for kids to do on the sidelines before touch football games? Methinks the only reason they give it to some people is because they have a lot of enemies and need a mighty weapon with which to fend them off. They wield it as if it were Thor's hammer Mjolnir.


At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't hotlink to images you don't own, dumb ass. It's rude.


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